4 years ago...

Today is Earthquake day.
A lot has changed here since that day. There has been incredible strides in the improvement of people's quality of life since then but there is still so far to go.
Sometimes I start to feel sorry for myself and then I think about how I have nothing to complain about.
I know God gives us all our own crosses but how can I possibly complain about loneliness or rejection or being overwhelmed when 36 seconds can change history and lives forever?
Haiti is resilient, it's a lesson for me. In every face I encounter I know there is a story behind it.
And chances are those stories are something more than feeling lonely or sad that you only got to go the pool instead of being invited to somebody's bbq...
There's a lot of growing left in this girl and I feel like i'm up to the challenge.
If Haiti can survive the amount of struggle and hardship life keeps throwing at it
1) These are some stubborn people
and 2) I can learn from them to see each day as an extraordinary gift from God that should be treasured and made better by my being His reflection...
Here's to me remembering to remembering what's truly important in life and seeing Christ in my brothers and sisters and also myself.

When jealousy rears its ugly head...or Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

So what I realize is that I get jealous easily.
Sometimes it's for legitimate reasons but more often than naught it's for the stupidest things, i.e. someone else's piece of meat from the lunch bin look more appetizing and more like "meat" than the piece that I choose. For goodness sake's, I CHOOSE IT!!!
It's not like I want them to have my mysterious piece of cartilage so I can have their seemingly meaty piece of ankle, I genuinely want us both to be able to eat lunch and enjoy it...as much as is possible considering it's likely bits of neck and perhaps tail?, but I just want to have something I will enjoy too.
It's a fatal flaw I think. Something I seriously need to nip in the bud. Who enjoys passive aggressive nasty jealous person?
To be fair though, sometimes my jealousy, while not ok, is understandable.
I'm jealous of people who have lives...it's something difficult to obtain around here.
And watching someone constantly walk out the door and say "Hey, I have plans...night" while I sit at home with my most likely only my rabid street dog to keep me company, I can't help but feel like saying "take me! I don't want to sit here by myself! I want to hang out with people too!" and feel not just a little bit jealous that other people have found that balance of work and play down here.
But I can't. At least not without it coming out bitchy. Maybe what I really need to work on is sincerity...
I understand that not everyone is like me so I shouldn't project my own needs on other people. I should stop resenting people for not meeting mine. It's really hard though!!!!
I love taking care of people and would love to be surrounded by friends who feel the same about me, but this is not real life here. There is no choosing people to surround yourself because you pretty much have the lunch menu at a fancy restaurant to choose from in terms of people to include in your life...limited options anyone?
This has actually taught me a good amount about myself. I try to remember to give and not expect, to love without receiving back, to see Christ in others so that they can see Him in me...dude that's ridiculously hard though!
For my New Year's resolution though I will try to be less selfish, jealous, and give to make others happy without expecting people to return the favor.
In lighter news, I took the dog for a lovely hike in the mountains on Christmas...I thought "what a nice little treat it would be for my sad apartment bound pup!" Famous.last.words.
Long story short my dog suffers from an extreme case car-sickness...which also give her horrible diarrhea...
And as it turns out car detailing is slightly more expensive then you would think around here and impossible to come by on a holiday...

With that I will say Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

It's been a while...but here are some random thoughts on the experience...

Well, it's been more than a year since the journey began, how has the journey been many may ask?

To tell the truth, unexpected is the word that instantly comes to mind.

There have been moments of pure joy mixed with moments of wondering how I could have let myself fall so far from who I am or what I want to be, intertwined with moments of true pain and grief.

I am human is what I have learned.

Human and full of flaws.

My temper is quick, my judgement is harsh, my love is expansive, my ability to forgive is... questionable. But my desire to grow is present always.

Could I be the person that holds someones hand and says over and over "she died, the baby did not make it either. They both died."? I never thought I could. 

It turns out I can.

It also turns out that I can not break down into a puddle of tears on a regular basis. 

The truth is, I haven't fallen apart over the course of this past year + at any of the horrible things I've seen and dealt with. Don't get me wrong, I have thought over and over again "this must be it, right? this is the bottom? this is the worst it can feel, right?!?!?" Generally speaking those pleas were in vain because very frequently the answer was "No."

Did I want to break? Yes.

Many times.

What I learned though was this, this is not my time to break. This is not my turn to be weak and let go.

One day it will be, and I am terrified of when that day will come. However I can only think, when I look around me and look at the things I've done this last year, maybe I'm just a little bit stronger than I thought I was. Maybe? 

I Have Arrived...

FULL DISCLOSURE, I WROTE THIS MORE THAN A YEAR AGO AND ONLY JUST PUBLISHED IT...TECHNOLOGY AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN THAT FRIENDLY.
Well, I mean I did, about a month ago.
Why? I can hear some of you ask...to which I respond, why not? Don't get me wrong, it's not just an adventure here for me. The work is hard, hours are long, and there is little "me time" here. It's just that part that I'm fairly certain, appealed to me the most.
I have been waiting the last few years to figure out what to "do" with my life. I felt like I was biding my time, waiting for something to come along. What that something was, I didn't know. I just kinda assumed I would know when it hit me.
Well I think it hit me, square across the face.
I had not a moment of hesitation in my soul when I was offered the opportunity to come down here as permanent staff. "Our heart is restless until it rests in thee" was never more applicable. I felt like all the sudden I knew where God was and where I could finally rest my weary self. There has been such a feeling of joy that has flooded my life since I decided to make Haiti my home.
People ask me how long I will stay and I tell them all at least one year, which is what I have committed in my own heart and mind, not something that was asked of me. The truth of the matter is that I may not last a year... or I may be destined to make this place my home forever. That is not a part of the plan that I am privy to just yet. All I can say for now is that I feel like I've found my path.
My goal in blogging is to give peace of mind to my family and to show Haiti in a light of hope and growth. Everyone wants to see tent cities, bloated bellies on naked children. They want to see the poverty and the need. These things exist here, for sure, but it's not all Haiti has to offer. For every devastating story there is another equally as inspiring.
That is what I want to focus on. I want people to look at.