It's been a while...but here are some random thoughts on the experience...

Well, it's been more than a year since the journey began, how has the journey been many may ask?

To tell the truth, unexpected is the word that instantly comes to mind.

There have been moments of pure joy mixed with moments of wondering how I could have let myself fall so far from who I am or what I want to be, intertwined with moments of true pain and grief.

I am human is what I have learned.

Human and full of flaws.

My temper is quick, my judgement is harsh, my love is expansive, my ability to forgive is... questionable. But my desire to grow is present always.

Could I be the person that holds someones hand and says over and over "she died, the baby did not make it either. They both died."? I never thought I could. 

It turns out I can.

It also turns out that I can not break down into a puddle of tears on a regular basis. 

The truth is, I haven't fallen apart over the course of this past year + at any of the horrible things I've seen and dealt with. Don't get me wrong, I have thought over and over again "this must be it, right? this is the bottom? this is the worst it can feel, right?!?!?" Generally speaking those pleas were in vain because very frequently the answer was "No."

Did I want to break? Yes.

Many times.

What I learned though was this, this is not my time to break. This is not my turn to be weak and let go.

One day it will be, and I am terrified of when that day will come. However I can only think, when I look around me and look at the things I've done this last year, maybe I'm just a little bit stronger than I thought I was. Maybe?