It's been a while...but here are some random thoughts on the experience...

Well, it's been more than a year since the journey began, how has the journey been many may ask?

To tell the truth, unexpected is the word that instantly comes to mind.

There have been moments of pure joy mixed with moments of wondering how I could have let myself fall so far from who I am or what I want to be, intertwined with moments of true pain and grief.

I am human is what I have learned.

Human and full of flaws.

My temper is quick, my judgement is harsh, my love is expansive, my ability to forgive is... questionable. But my desire to grow is present always.

Could I be the person that holds someones hand and says over and over "she died, the baby did not make it either. They both died."? I never thought I could. 

It turns out I can.

It also turns out that I can not break down into a puddle of tears on a regular basis. 

The truth is, I haven't fallen apart over the course of this past year + at any of the horrible things I've seen and dealt with. Don't get me wrong, I have thought over and over again "this must be it, right? this is the bottom? this is the worst it can feel, right?!?!?" Generally speaking those pleas were in vain because very frequently the answer was "No."

Did I want to break? Yes.

Many times.

What I learned though was this, this is not my time to break. This is not my turn to be weak and let go.

One day it will be, and I am terrified of when that day will come. However I can only think, when I look around me and look at the things I've done this last year, maybe I'm just a little bit stronger than I thought I was. Maybe? 

I Have Arrived...

FULL DISCLOSURE, I WROTE THIS MORE THAN A YEAR AGO AND ONLY JUST PUBLISHED IT...TECHNOLOGY AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN THAT FRIENDLY.
Well, I mean I did, about a month ago.
Why? I can hear some of you ask...to which I respond, why not? Don't get me wrong, it's not just an adventure here for me. The work is hard, hours are long, and there is little "me time" here. It's just that part that I'm fairly certain, appealed to me the most.
I have been waiting the last few years to figure out what to "do" with my life. I felt like I was biding my time, waiting for something to come along. What that something was, I didn't know. I just kinda assumed I would know when it hit me.
Well I think it hit me, square across the face.
I had not a moment of hesitation in my soul when I was offered the opportunity to come down here as permanent staff. "Our heart is restless until it rests in thee" was never more applicable. I felt like all the sudden I knew where God was and where I could finally rest my weary self. There has been such a feeling of joy that has flooded my life since I decided to make Haiti my home.
People ask me how long I will stay and I tell them all at least one year, which is what I have committed in my own heart and mind, not something that was asked of me. The truth of the matter is that I may not last a year... or I may be destined to make this place my home forever. That is not a part of the plan that I am privy to just yet. All I can say for now is that I feel like I've found my path.
My goal in blogging is to give peace of mind to my family and to show Haiti in a light of hope and growth. Everyone wants to see tent cities, bloated bellies on naked children. They want to see the poverty and the need. These things exist here, for sure, but it's not all Haiti has to offer. For every devastating story there is another equally as inspiring.
That is what I want to focus on. I want people to look at.